The Pain is Worth the Cost

The pain of losing a spouse and watching your kids grieve the loss of their parent, brings a sorrow that I can’t quite put into words. It’s unlike any feeling I could’ve ever even imagined.

It is said that “it” gets better in time. Just give it time. Time heals all wounds. As well meaning as the one saying these things might be, it’s just not true.

“It” doesn’t get better and it most certainly doesn’t go away. But, you do learn to live with it. It becomes a part of you. Just as the person you grieve leaves an unexplainable void in your heart and life, the impact they had while living leaves an imprint in who you are. As you carry the pain that their loss leaves, you also carry them with you.

Deep grief is the price you pay for deep love. It is always worth the cost.

Is There Really a Choice?

I’ll be honest, there have been several times where I truly wanted to throat punch someone who said to me that happiness is a choice. I often thought to myself, “how in the world is it as easy as saying that I choose to be happy when I feel so bad?” I have even told myself several times, “just make a decision to be happy!”

Ugh, if only it were that easy!

It didn’t matter how many times I told myself that I was going to be happy, the weight of the reality I was facing and the feelings I felt weighed more in comparison to that choice.

I finally realized though, it really is as simple as making a choice. I can wake up each day and entertain all of the feelings I am faced with, all of the thoughts floating around in my head or, I could just tell myself that none of those things matter and it was going to be a good day. Now, I might have to tell myself that very same thing 20 times in that same day but, the attitude I was choosing was much better than the alternative!

Long story short, here is what I tell myself now: “Joni, you either trust God or you don’t.” So yeah, it’s not easy but I am making a conscious decision every day to put my trust in the one who actually has a say in what happens!

One day at a time. Sometimes, one hour or even, one minute at a time.

This is us

This picture popped up today. If ever there was a picture that captured our little family, without words, this would be it.

We laughed. A lot. We smiled. A lot.

I sometimes look at old pictures and see the difference in our eyes and our smiles. They’ve changed. I see pictures or think of old memories and my heart is happy and I smile. But, it makes me so sad. Not just because we miss him so much, that’s a given. I miss those smiles on my children. The real, genuine, and innocent smiles. I’m sad because of the pain and struggle they have experienced as children. It makes me mad because I feel like they have been cheated. I do believe with all my heart that God will restore their hearts and bring real joy back into their lives but, it still makes me sad. That’s how I feel today and that’s okay.

Sure, there were the normal family downs and we surely had our share of struggles but this… This is us.