Living for Two

Living for Two

My heart continues to look for you. It doesn’t understand the physical separation and wasn’t ready for you to go.

My soul knows that you are at peace and assures me that we will meet again.

As difficult as it is to accept, I won’t see you again this side of heaven. I will try my absolute best to live, this earthly life I have left, to the fullest.

Letting Go 2.0

Letting Go 2.0

On this day 6 years ago, I had no idea that in one short week, our lives would be forever changed. In an instant.

Some days it feels like yesterday while other days it seems like it’s been an entire lifetime since I’ve seen you.

So much has happened.

You’ve missed so much.

What I’m finally realizing?

I’VE MISSED SO MUCH

The majority of the last 6 years has been spent going through the motions, getting by each day, surviving. We have come so very far, but the fact still remains that I haven’t been able to truly live.

Why haven’t I been able to live?

I haven’t been able to let go.

I wrote a post about this very thing nearly a year ago (click Letting Go to read that post) and I have done what I said I was going to do. I said I was going to try and give the pain over to God with the intention of moving forward.

How is it that I have been working at “letting go” for almost an entire year and my hurt is still so present that I’m wiping tears as I write this?

It’s a process. A long process. It takes intent. It takes work. It’s not easy.

I feel like I’ve done the work, but now what?

I have to make an actual decision, speak it out loud, and really let it go.

I know what this looks like in my mind, but my heart just can’t do it and mean it.

But I have to.

Stay tuned, friends πŸ’•

How do you let go of someone who was so much a part of you? How do you let go when your heart still loves them with every beat? How?

Joni Grief to Life

Never Stop Looking for Rainbows πŸŒˆβ™₯️🌈β™₯️🌈

Never Stop Looking for Rainbows πŸŒˆβ™₯️🌈β™₯️🌈

I was hurt. Bandages around my wrist. Bruises on my face and all over my body. Still had pieces of glass that hadn’t been removed from my skin. Broken leg. An undiscovered pool of blood from broken blood vessels in my leg, which later developed into compartment syndrome. Two surgeries to follow.

There I stood, with our two young children, staring at a casket that would be lowered into the ground. The worst feeling of the whole experience hit me at that moment. It was time to walk away. We would leave him there. 15 years together, battling things that some will never experience, and I have to leave him now. After all we had been through.

I will never forget what it felt like to turn and be led to the car that would take us away from him. I would try to describe it, but there are no words in the dictionary that could adequately define it.

Then…

I see a friend of ours running toward the car, yelling my name and trying to get my attention. I heard, you have to get out, look up! I made my way outside of the vehicle and I see a line of people as far as I can see, all looking up. I look up. I can’t believe my eyes. There was the most beautiful double rainbow I had ever seen. It hasn’t been raining. Weather did not call for something like this. But, it wasn’t just a double rainbow. There was a perfect rainbow circle around the sun.

Ever since then, on significant days, I have seen rainbows. Too many to mention them all, but these stick out the most in my mind:

My son’s first baseball game without his Dad. My daughter’s birthday. My first trip with the kids without him. What would have been my 15th wedding anniversary.

You may call them coincidences. I do not. There is no way that anyone on earth could convince me that the very worst moment in my life that coincided with a moment of pure hope like that, is anything short of a miraculous sign from God. There’s no way.

I was reminded of this today as I stood in the pouring rain, getting drenched, looking for a rainbow. I didn’t see one. I felt silly coming in all soaking wet, but thought… I will always look for the rainbows. 🌈

When the rainbow is hidden;

When it seems that light doesn’t exist.

When you can’t remember or don’t believe in the promises anymore.

Hold on.

Don’t let go.

Refuse to give up.

Even when they aren’t there, I’m still going to look up. Even in the storms, through the pouring rain, when we can’t see light or the rainbow… there is always hope. Don’t ever stop looking.

Joni β™₯️ Grief to Life

A RAINBOW = A PROMISE FROM GOD

Letter From Heaven

Letter From Heaven

You know I wouldn’t want you to cry, that I always hated to see you sad. I want you to think of me and smile, to cherish what we had. I know it’s been hard, almost too much to bear. But if you would look with your heart and not your eyes, you would see that I’ve been right there. Those nights that you were crying, when you thought no one could hear. I was right beside you, wiping away every tear. When you feel all alone, when you are in despair. Take comfort in knowing, I’ll always be there. I might not be there in body, but I promise that I’m near. My spirit has never left you, you don’t have to fear. Please know I want you happy, cause you were made to smile. You didn’t hear me say it because it was never goodbye, just see you in a little while.

Joni Grief to Life