Once Loved = Hurt/Pain

I have been a lover of music for as long as I can remember.  I can still recall “little” me walking around outside of the place I grew up, by myself, singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” like I thought I was Judy Garland.  Ha!  I was in the local children’s theater.  I was in the Indianapolis Children’s Choir.  My husband finally got me singing at Church, where he was the Praise and Worship Leader.

My husband was an amazingly talented musician and singer.  He could play just about any instrument by ear and had a beautiful voice.  He loved music even more than I did.  So, as a couple and as a family, music was a huge thing and an everyday part of our lives.

After my husband passed away, I found that my love for music had now become a great source of pain.  There were so many songs that would come on that reminded me of him.  Songs that I used to have on replay for days at a time were now skipped as soon as I could hit the button.

I no longer wanted to hear anything that reminded me of him. 

It hurt too much.

Songs at church were the worst.  I’m sure, although I didn’t fully understand at the time, it was because of the emotional feelings attached to songs connected to worship.  They were a huge part in my connecting with God; they connected me to Jonathan.  Not only was I worshiping the One who was my heavenly protector and provider, but the one singing them was my earthly protector and provider.  He was gone and I couldn’t understand why God would allow that to happen. (I will elaborate on the subject of God “allowing” bad things to happen in a later post.)  And now, here I am in a place that had been such a huge and significant part of us, without him; listening to the songs that he used to sing.  It was more painful than I can use words to describe.  We no longer attend church there (another post that can’t be elaborated on here) as I finally couldn’t try to find God through the pain, there, any longer.

We are fortunate enough to have so many recordings of Jonathan speaking and playing/singing music.  Although I always knew what a treasure and blessing that was, it had also been a source of deep pain.  Now, seven years later, it is still difficult to watch and hear those things, but I do try now.  I also try not to immediately skip the songs that I once loved.

The pain is and always will be there.  It is triggered by thoughts of him, memories of us, places, smells, people, milestones, and so much more; the biggest one is music.  I’m grateful that I can now feel the thankfulness I have for it all and smile, even if it is only once in awhile.  Just like anything that causes the hurt and pain to surface, it is so important that we feel them; that we face them.  They aren’t going anywhere.  They stay with us and build up and fester without an outlet for them to come out.  It is so difficult but such an important part of moving through grief.  I believe it is something that I will have to continue to work through, forever.  When I get discouraged or the thought of that makes me feel overwhelmed, I remind myself that deep grief is a result of deep love and given the chance, I wouldn’t go back and miss the love in spite of the pain.

The following is sung/played by my husband, Jonathan Roberts, click on the link below:

When I’m Gone

Published by Joni@GrieftoLife

Gotta love the 'About Me' sections of everything. I feel like I'm either in a one sided interview or trying to create a dating profile. "I like starry nights and long walks on the beach" Ha! All jokes aside, it is necessary to share your story. Especially in a place like this where you hope to reach people through your struggles. So here goes everything... Hi everyone 👋🏼 Grief is a journey, an ever changing and painful process. It can isolate you and make you feel more lonely than one could ever imagine. That is why I write and share my story. We need support. We need people that "get it." We need each other. I was married to the love of my life, just shy of 13 years. We went to school together, known him since elementary. He was my "boyfriend" in 5th grade. I even wrote "Joni Roberts" in my notebooks and cheered for him when he played basketball at recess 😂 We came back together when we went to the prom, as friends, our senior year in high school. That was in 1997. We started dating seriously in the summer of 1998. He asked me to be his wife in February of 1999. We said "I do" on October 2nd of the same year. We had our first child in October of 2000, our son. We had our daughter, 22 months later in August of 2002. In the time we were married, we went through more than most could go through in a lifetime. We never gave up on each other. In June of 2012, he and I were in a horrible car accident that claimed his life. In an instant, my entire world was shattered, leaving me a grieving single mother of two grieving children who are now teenagers. I'm walking day by day through life without the one that would be with me forever. I would have never imagined that this is where I would be in my life at 38 years old. But, I am doing everything I can to be strong, to raise our two children, to take this grief and use it to fuel the purpose for the rest of my days here on earth. ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME. Today: I am in the waiting room for my first neurologist appointment. It is in the same office as my surgeon from the accident. I'm sitting here remembering myself horribly hurt and in a wheelchair and I'm overwhelmed with feelings but mostly reflecting on how far I've come. I love and miss my best friend every single day. I'm positive that won't change until we are together again. I am choosing to try and live my life in a way that would honor him and make him proud. Living With Purpose.

3 thoughts on “Once Loved = Hurt/Pain

  1. Lovely memories and yes, the sorrow will remain forever but facing them will help you cope. He is with our God and you will see him again, in perfection. The sorrow will dim and the joy will become brighter. Love in Christ Jesus.

  2. Hello Joni He does have a good soothing voice and the song is wonderful to listen to for me. I know those feelings and things he sings about. God is going to bring you two back together after Jesus Christ comes again and the Resurrection takes place. We all will have perfect bodies again and be with those we love.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: