Be Careful With Your Words

When someone you love leaves this earth, you are shattered and life as you know it will never be the same.
Not sure why this is on my mind and heart tonight, but it is, so I’m writing about it.
Typically when someone passes away, you hear everything good about that person. Regardless of how they lived their life, you begin to hear in what people say about them, things that make them sound like a saint. Well, no one is perfect and no one’s life can measure up to that picture that is painted.
Having said that, there isn’t any good reason to speak poorly about someone who is no longer here. My Jonathan would be the first to tell you, and he did while he was here, that he had flaws. He spoke more openly about them than most, usually to help someone else. So, I have never spoken about him like he was perfect. I have sometimes talked about his struggles and things he went through, when appropriate, to help someone else or to teach something to our kids. But, as his wife and as the mother of those children, it is my place to do that.
This past year, my kids have learned some things about their father that don’t put him in the best light. Some of those things were things that I chose to tell them because I knew it would help them. Other things were told to them, things that I chose for good reason not to tell them; yet. Some of the things were absolutely not true. So, I had to speak to them about all of that. Things that I wasn’t ready to say, things that I maybe never would have said. I also had to clear up the things that were not true.
It is never good to gossip about anyone. We are all guilty of that sometimes, including myself. But to gossip about someone who is no longer here, and then to take it upon yourself to share those things said with his kids is never okay.
No one will ever know what I have had to go through with my two children. Helping them grieve the loss of their father. Helping them live day to day without someone that was such a big part of their every day lives has been more difficult than anyone could know. It has been 6 1/2 years since we lost him and it is still a daily struggle for the three of us.
I am given unsolicited advice from people who will not understand unless they have gone through what we have, regularly. I have heard things like: It has been long enough. It’s time to move on. I could go on and on. They are said by people who care, people with good intentions, but it still doesn’t make it okay.
We will never move on. There will never be a day that we don’t miss him and wish he was here. There will never be a day that comes where we are over it and it should all be okay. It’s just not that easy and it is not realistic. We not only want, but we need to talk about him. We want others to talk about him. It’s important for us, especially my kids, to know that he hasn’t been forgotten.
There is so much more that I could say but I am going to stop here. Moral of the story is this… Think about what you say before you say it. Understand that your words can have life altering consequences when heard. Especially by the loved ones of someone that is no longer here.

Published by Joni@GrieftoLife

Gotta love the 'About Me' sections of everything. I feel like I'm either in a one sided interview or trying to create a dating profile. "I like starry nights and long walks on the beach" Ha! All jokes aside, it is necessary to share your story. Especially in a place like this where you hope to reach people through your struggles. So here goes everything... Hi everyone 👋🏼 Grief is a journey, an ever changing and painful process. It can isolate you and make you feel more lonely than one could ever imagine. That is why I write and share my story. We need support. We need people that "get it." We need each other. I was married to the love of my life, just shy of 13 years. We went to school together, known him since elementary. He was my "boyfriend" in 5th grade. I even wrote "Joni Roberts" in my notebooks and cheered for him when he played basketball at recess 😂 We came back together when we went to the prom, as friends, our senior year in high school. That was in 1997. We started dating seriously in the summer of 1998. He asked me to be his wife in February of 1999. We said "I do" on October 2nd of the same year. We had our first child in October of 2000, our son. We had our daughter, 22 months later in August of 2002. In the time we were married, we went through more than most could go through in a lifetime. We never gave up on each other. In June of 2012, he and I were in a horrible car accident that claimed his life. In an instant, my entire world was shattered, leaving me a grieving single mother of two grieving children who are now teenagers. I'm walking day by day through life without the one that would be with me forever. I would have never imagined that this is where I would be in my life at 38 years old. But, I am doing everything I can to be strong, to raise our two children, to take this grief and use it to fuel the purpose for the rest of my days here on earth. ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME. Today: I am in the waiting room for my first neurologist appointment. It is in the same office as my surgeon from the accident. I'm sitting here remembering myself horribly hurt and in a wheelchair and I'm overwhelmed with feelings but mostly reflecting on how far I've come. I love and miss my best friend every single day. I'm positive that won't change until we are together again. I am choosing to try and live my life in a way that would honor him and make him proud. Living With Purpose.

15 thoughts on “Be Careful With Your Words

  1. Words must be spoken carefully which I understand. My nephew took his own life last weekend. He at times was actually normal with people. No one would say he was destined to take his own life, which he did. Now his family and my family are deep in this since he is our nephew we are one in this serious incident that he died in. He had so much going for him. He had landed an apprenticeship as heavy duty mechanic. Had real life relationships with women; on he had a son with. He was always happy had a new vehicle. He was smiling and had lots of good friends where he had lived and was still living. Home was here for him. Just the final thought for my nephew is ” I Love You”. God has you now so please trust in him. God and his son Jesus Christ will look after him from now on.
    Thanks for letting me express my thoughts about my nephews death. His funeral is tomorrow.
    Thank you Joni for this opportunity.

      1. Thank you Joni. I know we both can relate to heart breaking losses. His funeral was today. He was loved by lots of people who he grew up with. I know God has him safely in Heaven.

  2. Hi Joni, I don’t know why I did not read this earlier, but I just got to it this Christmas morning, at almost noon.
    I can relate a little bit, from on the outside, of the situation you are in.
    My sister’s husband passed away after a couple years of suffering with cancer, and their son was eleven at the time. Being a single Mom was difficult for my sister also, even more because she suffered depression, and had mental challenges, and that made them worse.
    So when people, (friends, and church friends) would make negative comments about him after his passing, it hurt and built walls between them and those who should have been supportive.
    So I understand a little, although I am not living in your situation. I will pray for you Joni, and your children, that you will continue to experience the Presence, Peace, and Strength of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Comfort, Discernment, and Guidance Of Holy Spirit, and the Loving Arms Of Heavenly Father wrapped around you in Love, letting you know He is your Provider, He is your Source, He is Your Husband and the Father to your children.
    God Bless the three of you. Merry Christmas to each of you.

  3. Thank you Joni, I think God will bring your words to mind in the future when I need it. Thank you for sharing these words of wisdom. May Jesus Christ continue to bless you and your family

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