My Constant

An Open Letter to My Dad in Heaven

Dad,

I woke up this morning feeling different than I ever have in my entire life. There isn’t even an adjective that could adequately describe it. I should be able to use a word I’ve used before because I know the pain of loss. But, just as people can’t truly be compared, neither can any loss.

I bounce back and forth from one moment feeling relief that you are not suffering and are in a better place, to the next where there is the heart-wrenching realization that you are never coming back.

I can’t believe you’re gone. It still seems so unreal.

But, it is real.

I can’t pick up the phone and call you. I can’t hear your voice. I can’t stop in to visit. I can’t see you.

I’m heart broken because I love you more than you could have ever known. There were two or three times over the years where I either wrote in a card or told you how much I appreciated who you were in my life, but no words could have ever expressed what you meant to me.

You were the first man I ever loved. You were the strong and silent presence in my childhood and as I was growing up. You became my friend as I got older and went through many hard times in my adult life, while still being the strong voice of reason that never sugar coated anything. You were one that I could always count on to give it to me straight, whether I wanted to hear it or not. You were the constant in a life filled with chaos, tragedy, and pain.

My constant…

You were the strong example of what a man should be. Not only for me, but for my kids who didn’t have that in their life when they lost their own Dad so young. They lost so much on top of losing him and although they might not have seen you every single day, they knew you were there.

Constant…

That’s what real love is.

I will never be able to fully express what that has meant to me; to all of us.

You are loved and will be so incredibly missed.

Thank you.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for being my Dad.

Thank you for being you.

My constant….

Author: Joni@GrieftoLife

Gotta love the 'About Me' sections of everything. I feel like I'm either in a one sided interview or trying to create a dating profile. "I like starry nights and long walks on the beach" Ha! All jokes aside, it is necessary to share your story. Especially in a place like this where you hope to reach people through your struggles. So here goes everything... Hi everyone 👋🏼 Grief is a journey, an ever changing and painful process. It can isolate you and make you feel more lonely than one could ever imagine. That is why I write and share my story. We need support. We need people that "get it." We need each other. I was married to the love of my life, just shy of 13 years. We went to school together, known him since elementary. He was my "boyfriend" in 5th grade. I even wrote "Joni Roberts" in my notebooks and cheered for him when he played basketball at recess 😂 We came back together when we went to the prom, as friends, our senior year in high school. That was in 1997. We started dating seriously in the summer of 1998. He asked me to be his wife in February of 1999. We said "I do" on October 2nd of the same year. We had our first child in October of 2000, our son. We had our daughter, 22 months later in August of 2002. In the time we were married, we went through more than most could go through in a lifetime. We never gave up on each other. In June of 2012, he and I were in a horrible car accident that claimed his life. In an instant, my entire world was shattered, leaving me a grieving single mother of two grieving children who are now teenagers. I'm walking day by day through life without the one that would be with me forever. I would have never imagined that this is where I would be in my life at 38 years old. But, I am doing everything I can to be strong, to raise our two children, to take this grief and use it to fuel the purpose for the rest of my days here on earth. ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME. Today: I am in the waiting room for my first neurologist appointment. It is in the same office as my surgeon from the accident. I'm sitting here remembering myself horribly hurt and in a wheelchair and I'm overwhelmed with feelings but mostly reflecting on how far I've come. I love and miss my best friend every single day. I'm positive that won't change until we are together again. I am choosing to try and live my life in a way that would honor him and make him proud. Living With Purpose.

11 thoughts on “My Constant

  1. Dear Joni

    I could feel your love which brought me some tears in my eyes. It is always very painful when we lose someone we really love very much. This is the pain of separation. On the other side, when we have much trust and confidence in God, then this “borrowed dust”, which we are, returns in it real form back into the lap of the Father – as light and love. Knowing that everything is in His hands may soothe our pain – and some day we are all together in Him again, the drop of the Ocean…

    From heart to heart
    Didi

  2. Thank you for reaching out, I am sorry for the loss of your father.
    My condolences to you and your family. May you find comfort and strength in the the Lord. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
    The cherished moments and the memories will forever be apart of his legacy.

    InHisCare,
    Yonnie

  3. Sorry for your loss, but you have him every second of time because he is all around you and in your heart!!… thanks for sharing!… 🙂

    Do not stand at my grave and weep
    I am not there, I do not sleep
    I am a thousand winds that blow
    I am the diamonds glints in the snow
    I am the sunlight on ripened grain
    I am the gentle autumn rain
    When you awaking in the morning hush
    I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight
    I am the soft star that shines at night
    Do not stand by my grave and cry
    I am not there, I did not die
    (Mary Elizabeth Frye)

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