Never Stop Looking for Rainbows

I was hurt. Bandages around my wrist. Bruises on my face and all over my body. Still had pieces of glass that hadn’t been removed from my skin. Broken leg. An undiscovered pool of blood from broken blood vessels in my leg, which later developed into compartment syndrome. Two surgeries to follow.
There I stood, with our two young children, staring at a casket that would be lowered into the ground. The worst feeling of the whole experience hit me at that moment. It was time to walk away. We would leave him there. 15 years together, battling things that some will never experience, and I have to leave him now. After all we had been through.
I will never forget what it felt like to turn and be led to the car that would take us away from him. I would try to describe it, but there are no words in the dictionary that could adequately define it.
Then…
I see a friend of ours running toward the car, yelling my name and trying to get my attention. I heard, you have to get out, look up! I made my way outside of the vehicle and I see a line of people as far as I can see, all looking up. I look up. I can’t believe my eyes. There was the most beautiful double rainbow I had ever seen. It hasn’t been raining. Weather did not call for something like this. But, it wasn’t just a double rainbow. There was a perfect rainbow circle around the sun.

Ever since then, on significant days, I have seen rainbows. Too many to mention them all, but these stick out the most in my mind:

My son’s first baseball game without his Dad. My daughter’s birthday. My first trip with the kids without him. What would have been my 15th wedding anniversary.

You may call them coincidences. I do not. There is no way that anyone on earth could convince me that the very worst moment in my life that coincided with a moment of pure hope like that, is anything short of a miraculous sign from God. There’s no way.

I was reminded of this today as I stood in the pouring rain, getting drenched, looking for a rainbow. I didn’t see one. I felt silly coming in all soaking wet, but thought… I will always look for the rainbows.

When the rainbow is hidden;
When it seems that light doesn’t exist.
When you can’t remember or don’t believe in the promises anymore.
Hold on.
Don’t let go.
Refuse to give up.

Even when they aren’t there, I’m still going to look up. Even in the storms, through the pouring rain, when we can’t see light or the rainbow… there is always hope. Don’t ever stop looking.

Joni – Grief to Life

A RAINBOW = A PROMISE FROM GOD

Published by Joni@GrieftoLife

Gotta love the 'About Me' sections of everything. I feel like I'm either in a one sided interview or trying to create a dating profile. "I like starry nights and long walks on the beach" Ha! All jokes aside, it is necessary to share your story. Especially in a place like this where you hope to reach people through your struggles. So here goes everything... Hi everyone ๐Ÿ‘‹๐Ÿผ Grief is a journey, an ever changing and painful process. It can isolate you and make you feel more lonely than one could ever imagine. That is why I write and share my story. We need support. We need people that "get it." We need each other. I was married to the love of my life, just shy of 13 years. We went to school together, known him since elementary. He was my "boyfriend" in 5th grade. I even wrote "Joni Roberts" in my notebooks and cheered for him when he played basketball at recess ๐Ÿ˜‚ We came back together when we went to the prom, as friends, our senior year in high school. That was in 1997. We started dating seriously in the summer of 1998. He asked me to be his wife in February of 1999. We said "I do" on October 2nd of the same year. We had our first child in October of 2000, our son. We had our daughter, 22 months later in August of 2002. In the time we were married, we went through more than most could go through in a lifetime. We never gave up on each other. In June of 2012, he and I were in a horrible car accident that claimed his life. In an instant, my entire world was shattered, leaving me a grieving single mother of two grieving children who are now teenagers. I'm walking day by day through life without the one that would be with me forever. I would have never imagined that this is where I would be in my life at 38 years old. But, I am doing everything I can to be strong, to raise our two children, to take this grief and use it to fuel the purpose for the rest of my days here on earth. ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME. Today: I am in the waiting room for my first neurologist appointment. It is in the same office as my surgeon from the accident. I'm sitting here remembering myself horribly hurt and in a wheelchair and I'm overwhelmed with feelings but mostly reflecting on how far I've come. I love and miss my best friend every single day. I'm positive that won't change until we are together again. I am choosing to try and live my life in a way that would honor him and make him proud. Living With Purpose.

57 thoughts on “Never Stop Looking for Rainbows

  1. I agree with you! The summer of 2008 was filled with rainbows. To this day I still run to the living room window when it is storming, hoping to see a rainbow in the east.

  2. Love this. No way itโ€™s a coincidence, and youโ€™re not silly standing out in the rain today. Keep holding onto that hope!

  3. Rainbows have always been amazing spread out wanting us to see the sheer beauty and wonder of the colors. You are right nothing like that is a coincidence. Great post Joni !!

  4. Oh my this was so beautiful love rainbows I believe their messaged from god to let us know our love ones are looking over us from above..or on a bad day your having a rainbow can lift your spirits. Keep looking for the rainbows hugs girl !

  5. That is beautiful, Joni. Rainbows are a promise from God to us for sure. Those were special rainbows you saw, absolutely, no coincidences there.
    Even when we cannot physically see a rainbow, we still know Godโ€™s promises are there, are true, and are for us.
    The rainbow is ours also, a gift from God, and does not belong to a particular segment of society.
    God Bless you Joni!

  6. My dear Joni,
    What a wonderful experience, I also would consider it as a sign of God to put a plaster on a wounded soul.
    Here, in Finland I saw also rainbows around the sun, these are called “Halos” and it happens when the air is clear and cold then very tiny ice-particle, high in the air, reflect the sun-light. Once I was in Svalbard, an island group about 1000 km northwards from North-Norway. There I saw a really mystic rainbow which had no colour and was just white, a bow in mist and fog. Nature is really beautiful and can put us some diamonds into our hearts and nature is part of God too.
    I wish you happiness with your children and always sunshine in your heart, my dear friend.
    From heart to heart
    Didi

  7. When our beloveds leave, when our wonderwall is shattered, there is always a sign that life must go on. Yours was certainly exquisite- an indelible sign of his love for you and for the children.

  8. When my grandpa died, I had an experience I’ll never forget. I remember realizing that I would never see him again. Tears started gushing out as I looked back on one of the most important people in my life, someone who left a legacy for me to follow and challenged me to live for God. As we lowered him into the ground, I heard the sound of something I’ve always loved. Rain was falling down. It was not thundering down on us, it was a graceful rain, a soft shower. I looked up, my eyes filled with tears. ‘Tears of heaven’, one of my uncles said, smiling at me. It felt as if God was showing me that he felt my pain and that he cared. Such experiences are not coincidences but rather examples of how in the ugliness of life, God shows us he cares through the beautiful. ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. Joni, The rainbows are, in my opinion, a true sign from God. I, too, saw a rainbow in a troublling time and it was the sunniest day not a cloud in the sky. I had a message from heaven that day. I believe you are getting those too. xox

  10. I love to see the rainbows. The interesting thing for me is that I see them in so many forms these days. Many creatures have been sporting rainbow colours from unusually marked peacocks to sea creatures. I even have a picture in my file of a rainbow tinted cat – it’s natural colouring. Now if the rainbow means the Almighty is near, He is near. The colour array keeps popping up everywhere I look.

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