WWYD

As stated in one of my recent posts, I’m on a journey of reflection and walking through past hurts that still have a hold, of some sort, in my life. Concurrently, I’m taking a class through my church. The title of the class is called Freedom and it’s about learning to be free from all of the things that hold you back in your spiritual walk. In last night’s class, we were working on an exercise where we had to choose an experience relating to a job, relationship, or faith that we could work through a particular process with. The overall premise to this exercise is to ask yourself questions about this situation to help you gain a deeper understanding, so you can effectively work through it. Such as; how it would make you feel, thoughts you might have, what your beliefs are and how they might effect the way you handle the situation, etc. You then ask yourself what God says about the situation, what the truth is, and ultimately how the truth can change the situation. I chose a circumstance in which someone shared very personal information about another individual’s past with another person. This ended up causing hurt to several people. Now, what really tripped me up was that I was easily able to identify what God would say about it and how that could change the outcome. But, my heart did not line up. I realized that how I would handle this dilemma would be very different.

So what do I do?!

Yes, this was about me. This is a real situation with real hurt and, if I’m being perfectly honest, unforgiveness. Someone has hurt me very deeply and I still can’t settle, in my heart, how I want to handle it. The exercise reveals that I should hand the situation over to God as He is ultimately in control. If God is in control then I should take myself out of the equation and let Him handle it. I can only presume that means I need to forgive and let go. This. Is. My. Struggle. If it was that easy I would have done that already!

I need to do something, I know that, because this was very painful to me and I don’t want to keep holding on to the hurt and I hate carrying unforgiveness.

Here’s where I would like your perspective… Do I go to that person and let them know that I’m hurt and why? Do I just forgive and let go; believing that God will deal with and handle it? Something different? What would you do and why?

62 comments

  1. southernlycomfort says:

    I have also had an experience that someone shared very personal things about me to other people and it was crushing. I thought about going to her and speaking about it but her personality did not allow me to do that. People who share other peoples stories are usually looking for something to talk about and if they break the vault to for that reason or any reason then they need to not be in your life. People like that ultimately get theirs. I have seen it too many times. They reap what they sow or karma comes back around on them. My suggestion is let it go and move on plus let them go and move on. If they talked about you that means they do this all of the time

    Liked by 6 people

  2. Dear Joni,
    The best way to solve it is is between the person, under 4 eyes. Tell openly you were hurt and explain why . Be kind in your words, not angry and try to be calm. This will help you. After it you let it go and let it in the hands of God.
    All good wishes
    Didi

    Liked by 6 people

  3. Personally, I would talk things over with the person who hurt me (if they don’t know)
    It’s easier to forgive after that

    Liked by 4 people

  4. J. M. Galindo says:

    Freedom is a decision that becomes a deep conviction that makes us go forward.

    Beautiful article

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Amir says:

    I just started following your blog and honest posts like this one will probably keep me hooked to your blog until its time. You are hurt too deeply and I don’t think any amount of their apology or forgiveness will fix that. With this kind of deep hurt, confronting them will only make things worse. There was a time and opportunity when it was all fresh. But lots of hurting has comlicated it already. Imho, let this unforgiveness go on until they themselves see or realize it and come to you asking for all that forgiveness. Until that happwns, it is they upon whom you have power, not vice versa.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Joni says:

      I really appreciate your perspective. The thing is, I don’t think this person knows that I found out what she did. Maybe that’s what complicates this in my mind and causes me to think so much about how to handle it. Do I tell her I know and talk it out or just let it go? Those questions just aren’t settled for me yet. I just know that doing nothing will solve nothing. Thanks again!

      Liked by 3 people

      • Amir says:

        Since you admitted it was too personal information that someone else shared with you. Hence its clear that either they are trying to create a distance between you too via lies or even if that is a truth, since its too personal, I would prefer to keep it personal and their dark secret instead of embarassing the other. There are too many “what if’s” here and without the specific details, you and I can only generalise. For more private discussion you are welcome to inbox me since this is a public forum.

        Liked by 2 people

        • Hilary Tan says:

          I agree with Amir. It’s worse that this info was obtained from a third party. I don’t think that person who hurt you would want you to know what he or she did. I was in a similar situation when a friend lied to me and I dated her ex to get back at her. It didn’t go over well. She eventually found out but I found out through another party that she had been lying to me for years, which made me snap. If you do confront the person, you should tell them how you obtained this information.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. I would go to that person, even if they do not realize that they hurt you, and explain why you felt hurt

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I would go to that person and explain why you feel hurt. Maybe they do not realize they hurt you. By doing this you can, forgive and move forward in your healing. And possible reveal to them that they should be more careful in the future with their words or actions.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Let go and move forward. The other person does not care that they hurt you and that you are still holding on to the hurt. Letting go is tough to do but must be done. I had to learn to do this when I was fired from a job after being rear-ended. The doctor had me off work, so I could watch for signs of a concussion. My boss (and former friend) fired me 4 hours after I had been approved for a car loan as mine was totaled. I wish her well but have had nothing to do with her since. I need supportive, encouraging people in my life.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Stefan says:

    I don’t know how much hurt you feel but I will pray for you so that you can make the right decision. The Bible tells us to cast all our cares on him ( 1 Peter 5:7 KJV). It’s a command. When you cast it on God, you can now forgive willingly anyone who has done you wrong. You have given God all the hurt nd your mind is now at peace. God never meant for us to carry any pain, he died for us that we can enjoy divine peace. I hope that helps. God bless!!! 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  10. dourdan says:

    I watched a movie on netflix called “A question of faith”
    https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6054650/

    where a man was late to pick up his son from school, so in trying to walk home the son was hit by a car. The driver of the car was a teenage girl who dropped her phone while texting.

    The investigators told the man, “The girl ran a red light AND she was on her phone- say the word and we will go after her for manslaughter. This girl will be an old woman by the time she gets out.”

    He was really mad but he prayed to God and God told him a better way this inspired him to create a charity to promote organ donation and to drop all charges against the girl.
    He brought her and her mother before his congregation and said he forgives her and everyone cried. (because, of course, she was sorry for what she had done.)

    My point- if you have a way to contact this person do so. He/she may remember you or they may not, but either way, you will get closure.

    BUT if it’s been like 10 years and you will have to start a massive research project in order to contact them- then maybe that was not part of God’s plan.

    just my thoughts. and if you have Netflix check out “A question of faith” (a lot of cool stuff happens that I didn’t already spoil.)

    🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Zovi says:

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    Liked by 1 person

  12. myplace3187 says:

    Hello Joni I have read many of the replies sent your way. I know the Holy Bible says to cast our problems to Our Heavenly Father. It is says ” Come unto me who are heavy laden and I will give you rest”. I think you need to get rid of this feeling first. Let go of it before you talk with the other person. I also think talking is how we actually solve problems like this but with a clear mind and heart and soul first.

    Go with love in your heart when you go to see the other person Joni. All the best !!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. julielelder says:

    Hi! I’m cringing right now—I once did this unthinkingly to someone, and it still stings to know I hurt them, even though it’s been 20 years! I was so thankful she forgave my lousy choice, especially since it was months before I knew she was hurt by my sharing something with a mutual friend.

    I can’t know all the ins and outs of your particular situation. But i know in my own case I was glad to find out so I could learn from it and apologize. It’s so easy to hurt each other! If you feel you need to bring it up—like if you see this person sometimes and your goal is to restore the relationship—pray for a spirit of humility, knowing you could mess up in the EXACT same way tomorrow. God will guide you for your particular case. He may tell you to share your feelings in humility with the other person, and He may say “Forgive them as you would want to be forgiven and let it go.”

    The older I get the more I see how hugely important it is to live in awareness of God’s leading. In the same way each of us is different, so will be His leading for us.

    Well done to you for giving this so much thought!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. imjustneen says:

    I believe you should try and forgive the person for what they did to you and leave it in gods hands I know from certain things i went through I couldn’t understand at first why i deserved it to happen to me and for so long i held this anger.But one thing i learned is god will never put you through anything u cant handle. And i believe whatever u went through prob made you a stronger woman. And i will pray for and wish the best for you in your healing process.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Hilary Tan says:

    I wrote letters to the people who hurt me and mailed them. They never did apologize which hurts a ton but I don’t regret pouring my heart into those letters. Many of my blog posts are about them. I use my anger and channel it into writing which is much more productive and positive.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Brad Stevenson says:

    Joni, I would definitely recommend that you meet and talk with this person, especially since you mentioned that they don’t know that you know. You should prepare yourself for the different responses you might get when you talk with him/her, however being able to verbalize your hurt is a big step in the healing process for you.

    If this is a normal habit for this person, they may respond defensively, brush it off as no big deal, or even tell you that they didn’t do it. These responses will be hard to hear, but if you’re prepared for them you should be able to walk away from the situation knowing that you did your part. Even though you didn’t get the response you had hoped for, you at least tried to mend the fences. It will likely take you a little longer to be able to forgive the person (especially since they didn’t ask for your forgiveness), but you tried and i think it will help you to let go of the hurt.

    However if it’s not a normal habit, i’m certain they will appreciate you coming to them and will ask for your forgiveness. It may still be hard to forgive and forget, but i’m sure you’ll be able to forgive, let it go, and maybe even get back to where you can be friends.

    I agree with your study that ultimately you should hand the situation over to God, but the pain and hurt you are feeling needs to be known by the person that hurt you. It could be as helpful for that person, as it is for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Sometimes, I am able to talk it over with the other person; sometimes, not. It has depended on my state of mind and on the maturity level of the other.

    Liked by 1 person

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    Liked by 1 person

  19. I would sit them down and tell them how they have hurt you and if they cannot understand or stop doing what they do you have no choice but to end communication with them . If they do not fight for you to stay connected or come clean with what they have then you know to walk away . They will only keep hurting you. Good luck oh you will know in your heart and gut I t will let you know what you choose feels right. Trust it.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Nholie says:

    Honestly, I struggle on the same thing.

    Someone just did it to me and my wife. First, I talked to the person heart to heart. She did it again. So I talked to her again. She promised this time. But when she did again, and again, and again, I shut her off from our life. I slammed the door in her face. I removed her in not only in my my contact list, but in my entire life. I stopped conversing, or interacting about her.

    I don’t if that’s the right thing. Sometimes I think, that’s not the mature way of situation. But honestly, that’s what I do when someone is taking advantage of my forgiveness — I slam the door of my life to them. Permanently.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Joni says:

      I think it’s a completely different story when someone continues to deliberately hurt you over and over. You are more than justified in removing this person from your life. You can forgive and still let them go.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Nholie says:

        Thank you for your comforting words! Sometimes I still feel guilty when I do that to those kind of people who cross my life.

        Okay, in your case — a one time event, I would normally talk to the person and express my hurt in a vey objective manner. Meaning, instead of saying, “Why did you do that?” or “How could you do that to me?” I would just say, “Honestly, I was hurt to find out that [name] knew about [specific information about me].

        Then, I would keep silent, and wait for the person to respond. I make sure that before I do that, I have already managed my emotion. Otherwise, the person may also negatively react to my negative emotion. I make sure , that I won’t judge the person first, or that would escalate the situation. In my experience, most of the time, if the person felt that he/she has not been judged by me, he/she responds with remorse, and become willing to change and never do that again. But there are very few who would still react to that kind of non-judgmental treatment.

        Thank you for the interaction!

        Liked by 1 person

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