Grief

Painful Times and Being Real

The month of June is approaching and I am already feeling it. Let me explain a few things. Some might not understand why anniversary dates can affect you so much. I’ve even told myself, it’s just a day on the calendar, try not to let it affect you any more than any other day. But the reality is, that “just another day on the calendar,” is of much significance and whether I want to acknowledge it or not, they are just hard days. Especially the anniversary of the accident. It takes you right back there. The hours leading up to it. You relive it. It’s not a choice. If you think it is, you are wrong.
Some say, they don’t have to be hard days. No, they don’t. And believe it or not, it’s not up to me. I can’t help how I feel. And I’m not going to pretend that I’m not hurting.
Jonathan’s birthday is on June 3rd
This year he would have been 39. Just because he isn’t here physically doesn’t mean that that day means nothing anymore. It actually means more now.
Father’s Day is June 17th.
Big deal? Yes, very big deal. My kids go on and try to live a normal life everyday, all while feeling like a huge part of them is gone. Because it is! This is a daily pain they walk around with. And in all reality, Father’s Day now sucks for them!
The anniversary of the accident is June 19th.
Yep, 2 days after Father’s Day. I usually plan something ahead of time to try and distract our minds on that day. There have been a couple years that I just couldn’t bring myself to do something. This year it will be six years since losing him. SIX YEARS. We are going to struggle with that.
You see, whether it’s 1 day, 6 months, or 5+ years. It hurts. There is a void. It’s not made up. It’s real. There is pain in not having that person anymore. Sure, we can do our best to move forward in a positive direction. But the void is still there. The pain of not having him is still there. No amount of time is going to change that. I understand that it would be easier for everyone that knows us if we could just go on quietly and not go through these painful times. That’s just not how it works. Sure, we could pretend that everything is okay and that we don’t feel the pain, but that’s just pretending. And that doesn’t help us. It helps you. I’m sorry if you are uncomfortable with our grief. Actually, I’m not sorry. I shouldn’t be made to feel like I need to hide the way I feel to make other people more comfortable. Instead of telling me how I should feel, or what I should do; if you love me, validate my feelings and just be there. Otherwise, I will want to shut you out. So please, bear with me in the next month or so. I might talk about him more. I might share memories more. I might say that I’m struggling. If you have an opinion on the matter, please keep it to yourself. There is nothing more hurtful than to be told that you shouldn’t feel the way you do or to hear that people have been talking about it, discussing how you should be handling your grief. I suffered in silence for a very long time because of worrying too much about what other people might think or say. But, no one has walked through this for me. No one has had to deal with the daily struggles that have come with losing this person who was an every day part of our lives. We have. You don’t have a clue what that has been like and I pray you don’t ever have to understand because of it happening to you. I have a voice; I’m going to use it. This is my story; I’m going to tell it.
All of that being said, the three of us have come SO far. We are living our lives the best way we know how. We are moving forward, a little more, every single day. But, we will always have some bad days. We will always miss him and wish he was here. I think the very most important thing to recognize here is that, we have never given up.
 

I have a voice; I’m going to use it. This is my story; I’m going to tell it.

93 thoughts on “Painful Times and Being Real”

    1. Hey there.. just wanted to tell you how much this post means to me. That reliving that particular month, each day and feeling the sorrow and dismay is a beautiful reminder that life holds promise. A reminder that you had something worth holding in your heart. The calendar holds many memories and it marks the great ones too. I know that loss and struggle .. struggle to allow the time to feel the sorrow, as if we don’t allow it, it will go away. I can’t always talk myself into allowing it, but when I do, I feel the rush and warmth of love and that is followed up with joyful tears, laughs and reminiscing of the great memories we had. Anniversaries are my excuse to FEEL all of it, to relive it, to come to that peaceful acceptance and renew my vow to never let their memory fade. Thank you so much for sharing. Do you mind if I repost your post to my blog?

      1. I think you accidentally sent me the comment instead of the author of Painful Times and Being Real. I hope she does give permission to reblog the post. Your comment is beautiful.

  1. You’re so strong! Sometimes life gets messy and we do not understand it but, we must do the best we can and keep on moving forward, especially when we have little ones looking up to us. Sending you a virtual hug and prayers.

  2. I feel your pain. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s helps me to know I’m okay. I’m “normal”. Sometimes I feel like I’m crazy because May is my month of sorrow and I can’t stop it. Bless you.

    1. I’m so glad this resonated with you. I don’t know the origin of your sorrow, but I pray peace, comfort, and blessings over you. ?

  3. This pain is deep and the story should be told when you are ready Joni. I can totally relate I lost my one true love 11 + years ago. God bless you three !!

  4. All tho’ my loss was a child and not a spouse, I understand the depth of the loss. It will be 8 years right after Mother’s Day for me, which makes Mother’s Day difficult. He was 28. I miss him. I saw the Families are Forever and it made me smile, yes they are, but we miss them even tho we know we will all be together again. I push through the hard days, and even tho’ they aren’t all hard days anymore, there are still very tender days that bring tears. Sending thoughts and prayers out to you. Time to have someone put my name in the Temple again for peace for this very tender time.

    1. I am beyond sorry. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. I will be praying for peace, comfort, and love to surround you. Be kind to yourself.

  5. Stuffing down our painful feelings ends up hurting us more in the long run. I’m so sorry for the loss you’re all dealing with on what I’d imagine on some days feels like a minute to minute basis. I’m glad you’re writing and sharing—what a healthy and strong example you’re showing your kids!

  6. It does hurt and yes you will remember ,the thing is it’s okay to feel this pain … not that we want you to but I’m just saying no one should judge you and tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel . It s your own way of healing everyone one is different .. so cry ,yell , but then breath and know your not alone . Hugs ??

  7. Keep using your voice, the world needs more people like you. The anniversary of Joe’s passing has gotten more manageable over the years but there still is some pain every March 29th.
    Prayers for you and your family as another anniversary approaches.

    1. Thank you so very much! I’m so sorry for the reason that you understand where I’m coming from. My heart and prayers are with you.

  8. So true Joni. Thank you for sharing this post. You telling your story and struggles encourages me as I go through similar struggles.

  9. Thank You ?
    I know this must be hard for you. I lost my Grandmother, so January 3rd has been hard ever since.
    What you said at the end is a great reminder to everyone who is hurting for any reason ?

  10. Thank you for dropping by at an article I made about death. I lost my son on the month of June as well, June 15, in fact, his first day of the wake was a father’s day, that was five years ago. I can relate to your feeling although like what I’ve said I don’t know how I’m gonna live without my husband around. But like what I have discovered we really do not lose them after all, it’ s just that they are now living on a different form. And their leaving is not really the end. I hope you will find comfort in every day of your life. You are a strong woman with a very bright perspective. Glad to meet you here 🙂

    1. I wrote awhile back about how the day they live this earth is also the day they truly begin to live. It’s just so hard for those left behind. So glad to connect with you ?

      1. That is very true. It had never been easy to deal with the pain. But life goes on. I’m so glad as well to know that someone out there understand how I truly feel. Let’s continue to find meaning and peace in this loss we have to go through 🙂

  11. I’m glad that you were able to share this, and it’s absolutely okay for you to feel your feelings. For others, they would just prefer you not express them out of fear of being too aware of death and their own mortality; but, that has nothing to do with you. If we were better as a society, we’d afford you the space you needed to share your thoughts; I’m happy you’ve found it here.

  12. Joni, never feel bad, or accept others attempting to make you feel bad about remembering special days and special times with your husband, and grieving.
    You have every right to grieve. Emotions and tears are also gifts from our loving Heavenly Father.
    I believe that if we do not allow grief to be expressed, and keep everything bottled up inside, we are creating tremendous problems for ourselves, with a possible emotional explosion inside, or a breakdown.
    Your fabulous gift of writing can be a tremendous relief for you, as well as a help and useful teaching for others who are suffering but not expressing themselves.
    God Bless you Joni.
    George

    1. Thank you so much. Your words have blessed my heart! So thankful to have connected with such great people here! Blessings ??

  13. Hi there! Thanks for your recent ‘like’.
    So sorry to hear about your loss. I too am approaching an anniversary of the loss of a loved one – mine was a pet, but I was surprised by the depth of my grief. Grief is the price of love, I am told..and I guess it’s worth the price. I believe we are improved by all our experiences – so there is something to learn and to gain from even the worst of experiences. Take care – all manner of thing shall be well.

    1. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I’m so sorry about your loss! Pets are like family. I too always say that grief is a price you pay for love. And yes, if we choose to, we can always find a lesson amidst the pain. Take care ?

  14. I appreciate that you can express your feelings. My mother died when I was young and my father did not grieve her death properly. He bottled up all of his feelings and just continued on trying to take care of my two brothers and myself. He rarely talked about her. Your children have a great gift in you in that you share about their dad and keep his memory alive for them. Good for you!

    1. Thank you so much, your words are encouraging! I will tell you why I knew to do that… My late husband lost his mother when he was 15 years old. He did not truly deal with his grief, much like your father, and it followed him into adulthood. I watched what that did to him. So, when we lost him, I knew how important it would be to be open and really walk through the grief. Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your mom ?

  15. Bless your .heart. I do understand.My husband of 50 years plus one month eight days passed away almost two years ago. Yes the “anniversaries”are hard but by God’s grace we get through them. This past Friday was his birthday and I whispered in my grandson’s ear at the ballpark that maybe his grandpa would be watching.He got a home run and put out several hits. Little things mean a lot.I will add you and yours to my prayers. May God continue to bless you.

    1. Thank you so much! Your sweet words mean a lot. I hate that we have that in common, but I am glad to connect with you. Blessings ?

  16. Anniversaries ARE hard. You have many lurking just around the corner. Walk through them as best you can, treasure the times you had, do what you feel is right, hug your kids, cry with them, laugh with them, share memories, create new anniversary rituals that will be meaningful to YOU all. Sending you much love and blessings for the times ahead, Raili

  17. Beautiful Tribute! Beautiful music and voice! So sorry for your loss.
    May I “steal” this quote? I am a “quote thief” from bloggers with amazing quotes and I always give credit. “I have a voice; I’m going to use it. This is my story; I’m going to tell it.”

  18. People must grieve in their own way. Put it here and I will read each time and will pray for the healing you need. You are wonded to the core. Love in Christ Jesus.:*(

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