Painful Times and Being Real

The month of June is approaching and I am already feeling it. Let me explain a few things. Some might not understand why anniversary dates can affect you so much. I’ve even told myself, it’s just a day on the calendar, try not to let it affect you any more than any other day. But the reality is, that “just another day on the calendar,” is of much significance and whether I want to acknowledge it or not, they are just hard days. Especially the anniversary of the accident. It takes you right back there. The hours leading up to it. You relive it. It’s not a choice. If you think it is, you are wrong.

Some say, they don’t have to be hard days. No, they don’t. And believe it or not, it’s not up to me. I can’t help how I feel. And I’m not going to pretend that I’m not hurting.

Jonathan’s birthday is on June 3rd

This year he would have been 39. Just because he isn’t here physically doesn’t mean that that day means nothing anymore. It actually means more now.

Father’s Day is June 17th.

Big deal? Yes, very big deal. My kids go on and try to live a normal life everyday, all while feeling like a huge part of them is gone. Because it is! This is a daily pain they walk around with. And in all reality, Father’s Day now sucks for them!

The anniversary of the accident is June 19th.

Yep, 2 days after Father’s Day. I usually plan something ahead of time to try and distract our minds on that day. There have been a couple years that I just couldn’t bring myself to do something. This year it will be six years since losing him. SIX YEARS. We are going to struggle with that.

You see, whether it’s 1 day, 6 months, or 5+ years. It hurts. There is a void. It’s not made up. It’s real. There is pain in not having that person anymore. Sure, we can do our best to move forward in a positive direction. But the void is still there. The pain of not having him is still there. No amount of time is going to change that. I understand that it would be easier for everyone that knows us if we could just go on quietly and not go through these painful times. That’s just not how it works. Sure, we could pretend that everything is okay and that we don’t feel the pain, but that’s just pretending. And that doesn’t help us. It helps you. I’m sorry if you are uncomfortable with our grief. Actually, I’m not sorry. I shouldn’t be made to feel like I need to hide the way I feel to make other people more comfortable. Instead of telling me how I should feel, or what I should do; if you love me, validate my feelings and just be there. Otherwise, I will want to shut you out. So please, bear with me in the next month or so. I might talk about him more. I might share memories more. I might say that I’m struggling. If you have an opinion on the matter, please keep it to yourself. There is nothing more hurtful than to be told that you shouldn’t feel the way you do or to hear that people have been talking about it, discussing how you should be handling your grief. I suffered in silence for a very long time because of worrying too much about what other people might think or say. But, no one has walked through this for me. No one has had to deal with the daily struggles that have come with losing this person who was an every day part of our lives. We have. You don’t have a clue what that has been like and I pray you don’t ever have to understand because of it happening to you. I have a voice; I’m going to use it. This is my story; I’m going to tell it.

All of that being said, the three of us have come SO far. We are living our lives the best way we know how. We are moving forward, a little more, every single day. But, we will always have some bad days. We will always miss him and wish he was here. I think the very most important thing to recognize here is that, we have never given up.

 

I have a voice; I’m going to use it. This is my story; I’m going to tell it.

91 comments

  1. Alexis Rose says:

    Thank you for sharing. Sending you amounts of support.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. rogerholmack says:

    It does hurt. It’s ok not to be ok. Breathe in .. Hold a second .. Breathe out. Hugs.

    Liked by 6 people

  3. Stefan says:

    I admire you for the way you approach pain. Will definitely pray for your family. Stay strong!! 🙂

    Liked by 8 people

  4. Prayers Joni; these are indeed painful times.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. txjessy says:

    You’re so strong! Sometimes life gets messy and we do not understand it but, we must do the best we can and keep on moving forward, especially when we have little ones looking up to us. Sending you a virtual hug and prayers.

    Liked by 7 people

  6. txjessy says:

    You’re welcome ♥.

    Liked by 4 people

  7. blindzanygirl says:

    Bless you Joni. Such a deep pain. Tell it as it is.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. I feel your pain. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s helps me to know I’m okay. I’m “normal”. Sometimes I feel like I’m crazy because May is my month of sorrow and I can’t stop it. Bless you.

    Liked by 4 people

  9. myplace3187 says:

    This pain is deep and the story should be told when you are ready Joni. I can totally relate I lost my one true love 11 + years ago. God bless you three !!

    Liked by 3 people

  10. LDSVenus says:

    All tho’ my loss was a child and not a spouse, I understand the depth of the loss. It will be 8 years right after Mother’s Day for me, which makes Mother’s Day difficult. He was 28. I miss him. I saw the Families are Forever and it made me smile, yes they are, but we miss them even tho we know we will all be together again. I push through the hard days, and even tho’ they aren’t all hard days anymore, there are still very tender days that bring tears. Sending thoughts and prayers out to you. Time to have someone put my name in the Temple again for peace for this very tender time.

    Liked by 5 people

  11. julielelder says:

    Stuffing down our painful feelings ends up hurting us more in the long run. I’m so sorry for the loss you’re all dealing with on what I’d imagine on some days feels like a minute to minute basis. I’m glad you’re writing and sharing—what a healthy and strong example you’re showing your kids!

    Liked by 4 people

  12. It does hurt and yes you will remember ,the thing is it’s okay to feel this pain … not that we want you to but I’m just saying no one should judge you and tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel . It s your own way of healing everyone one is different .. so cry ,yell , but then breath and know your not alone . Hugs ❤️

    Liked by 5 people

  13. Keep using your voice, the world needs more people like you. The anniversary of Joe’s passing has gotten more manageable over the years but there still is some pain every March 29th.

    Prayers for you and your family as another anniversary approaches.

    Liked by 5 people

  14. Brad Stevenson says:

    So true Joni. Thank you for sharing this post. You telling your story and struggles encourages me as I go through similar struggles.

    Liked by 5 people

  15. It isn’t easy losing someone. Great post. Another reason why I nominated you for the liebster recently 😀

    Liked by 7 people

  16. You are so strong Joni ❤ I can't imagine what you are going through ❤

    I have nominated you for The Mystery Blogger Award:
    http://discoveringyourhappiness.com/2018/04/30/the-mystery-blogger-award-6/

    I can't wait to read your reply ❤

    Anita, xo

    Liked by 4 people

  17. All the strength, hope and lots of happiness…Pain is going to make you a more beautiful person.

    Liked by 5 people

  18. Thank You 🙂
    I know this must be hard for you. I lost my Grandmother, so January 3rd has been hard ever since.
    What you said at the end is a great reminder to everyone who is hurting for any reason 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

  19. Ravisingh says:

    loved this post!

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Aui V. says:

    Thank you for dropping by at an article I made about death. I lost my son on the month of June as well, June 15, in fact, his first day of the wake was a father’s day, that was five years ago. I can relate to your feeling although like what I’ve said I don’t know how I’m gonna live without my husband around. But like what I have discovered we really do not lose them after all, it’ s just that they are now living on a different form. And their leaving is not really the end. I hope you will find comfort in every day of your life. You are a strong woman with a very bright perspective. Glad to meet you here 🙂

    Liked by 5 people

  21. Francis Philip says:

    I totally agree with the need to be listened to and validated. May God embrace you and give you and your family healing hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

  22. I lost my mother, grandmother and grandfather in a car accident when I was nine years old. Since that time (more than fifty years ago), I still think of them during the course of every week. You’re far from alone.

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Leon Garber says:

    I’m glad that you were able to share this, and it’s absolutely okay for you to feel your feelings. For others, they would just prefer you not express them out of fear of being too aware of death and their own mortality; but, that has nothing to do with you. If we were better as a society, we’d afford you the space you needed to share your thoughts; I’m happy you’ve found it here.

    Liked by 3 people

  24. gmgoetz says:

    Joni, never feel bad, or accept others attempting to make you feel bad about remembering special days and special times with your husband, and grieving.
    You have every right to grieve. Emotions and tears are also gifts from our loving Heavenly Father.
    I believe that if we do not allow grief to be expressed, and keep everything bottled up inside, we are creating tremendous problems for ourselves, with a possible emotional explosion inside, or a breakdown.
    Your fabulous gift of writing can be a tremendous relief for you, as well as a help and useful teaching for others who are suffering but not expressing themselves.
    God Bless you Joni.

    George

    Liked by 3 people

  25. Dear Joni,

    I have tagged you for the “Tot-Tag” (This or that questions).

    Here you can see more details:

    https://didisvgp.wordpress.com/2018/05/01/tagged-by-manuela-for-the-tot-tag-this-or-that-questions/

    All good wishes and a happy time
    Didi

    Liked by 2 people

  26. luttajeff says:

    Stay strong, keep it positive though its hurting, got your back

    Liked by 2 people

  27. Hi there! Thanks for your recent ‘like’.

    So sorry to hear about your loss. I too am approaching an anniversary of the loss of a loved one – mine was a pet, but I was surprised by the depth of my grief. Grief is the price of love, I am told..and I guess it’s worth the price. I believe we are improved by all our experiences – so there is something to learn and to gain from even the worst of experiences. Take care – all manner of thing shall be well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Joni says:

      Thanks for taking the time to comment. I’m so sorry about your loss! Pets are like family. I too always say that grief is a price you pay for love. And yes, if we choose to, we can always find a lesson amidst the pain. Take care 🌺

      Liked by 1 person

  28. It’s not easy. When one loses someone as close you never forget. You can only try to remain positive and get used to it

    Liked by 1 person

  29. I appreciate that you can express your feelings. My mother died when I was young and my father did not grieve her death properly. He bottled up all of his feelings and just continued on trying to take care of my two brothers and myself. He rarely talked about her. Your children have a great gift in you in that you share about their dad and keep his memory alive for them. Good for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Joni says:

      Thank you so much, your words are encouraging! I will tell you why I knew to do that… My late husband lost his mother when he was 15 years old. He did not truly deal with his grief, much like your father, and it followed him into adulthood. I watched what that did to him. So, when we lost him, I knew how important it would be to be open and really walk through the grief. Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your mom 💗

      Liked by 1 person

  30. bcparkison says:

    Bless your .heart. I do understand.My husband of 50 years plus one month eight days passed away almost two years ago. Yes the “anniversaries”are hard but by God’s grace we get through them. This past Friday was his birthday and I whispered in my grandson’s ear at the ballpark that maybe his grandpa would be watching.He got a home run and put out several hits. Little things mean a lot.I will add you and yours to my prayers. May God continue to bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Soul Gifts says:

    Anniversaries ARE hard. You have many lurking just around the corner. Walk through them as best you can, treasure the times you had, do what you feel is right, hug your kids, cry with them, laugh with them, share memories, create new anniversary rituals that will be meaningful to YOU all. Sending you much love and blessings for the times ahead, Raili

    Like

  32. Beautiful Tribute! Beautiful music and voice! So sorry for your loss.
    May I “steal” this quote? I am a “quote thief” from bloggers with amazing quotes and I always give credit. “I have a voice; I’m going to use it. This is my story; I’m going to tell it.”

    Liked by 1 person

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