Grief

Looking Back to Move Ahead

I’ve been pretty quiet lately. I’m in a time in my life where so much is uncertain and I’ve been forced to do some major reflecting.
Reflection can be difficult for me because it often means taking a look at the things that, quite honestly, I would rather not look at it. But, I realize how incredibly important it is.
I have the following immediate goals:
1) Going back and looking at the (biggest) things that have caused me hurt in my life. I’m going to think about them, feel whatever emotions come to surface, deal with them, and close the door.
2) I’m going to list the people that have hurt me deeply. I’ve always considered myself someone who forgives easily. But I’ve found that when someone wounds you deeply, it really isn’t easy to let go of the hurt. I HATE to hold on to things. I really don’t like to think of someone negatively. But, when those hurts keep popping back up into your heart and mind, you truly haven’t forgiven. The truth is, that unforgiveness hurts you far worse than it does the one you have been hurt by.
3) There are things and my people from my past that I have to say goodbye to.
I’m pretty certain that this process isn’t going to be pretty, but I know in my heart that I cannot move forward in my life without dealing with these things. I hope I’m brave enough to share some of my feelings as I go through this process.
What about you?? What things have you found that you just can’t get past? What things are holding you back from moving forward in your life?

Being stuck in the past is like walking forward with your back facing the front. You will always miss out on what’s in front of you – unknown

69 thoughts on “Looking Back to Move Ahead”

    1. Thank you for sharing! Divorce is is such a tough thing to deal with. I’ve had church-related things to overcome as well. Thanks again fir sharing ?

  1. Joni, I wish you well in your important work. It takes courage to allow yourself to feel the pain, sadness and hurt. I have found that the Enneagram personality tool has helped me to keep doing my work. If you are interested in learning more about the Enneagram I would be happy to tell you about it and how it has helped me. My website is http://www.relconsultants.com. I would like to learn from you. I believe it is important to learn from each other.
    In answer to your question I found it to be hard work to let go of my anger, hurt and disappointment that came from the end of my first marriage. Today I am feeling sadness, grief and disappointment because of the decline of my denomination the United Church of Canada.
    I agree with you that in order to let go of our grief we must be willing to go through it. It is not easy work.
    Peace,
    Roland Legge

  2. I am so glad you posted this and put this topic out there. I know there are things I have to deal with emotionally that I just put on the back-burner and just go about my day. My grief gets put on hold so much because I stay busy and don’t allow myself to close the doors that have been left open that need to be closed. There are things in my life I need to leave the door open, like willing to accept change, accepting my life now and embracing it without forgetting who I am, the door that needs to close to the door that I hold open and allow myself to get carried away with excuses. Excuses that hold myself back in relationships and the fear of the unknown, The unknown in my life is hard to accept because of what I know and what I have lived and been able to experience. In order for me to more forward requires a lot of tears and emotions I don’t want to go through but it’s needed for healing, and without healing there is no growth or lessons learned.
    I hope that I am able to hold myself accountable and be true to myself and not hide behind a mask 24/7 – showing who I really am and how I really feel is hard because I don’t think people are ready to see the hurt that still exists and the tears that still flow and the anxiety that takes over.

    1. It’s so tough to face it all, we’ve already been through so much! And yes, people don’t have a clue how much hurt we still carry and how all of our energy has been put into just getting through each day! We can help to hold each other accountable. I love you! ??

  3. I totally get where you are. I think I might be there as well. This past say 6-8 weeks have been TUFF. More tuff than even months PRIOR. This grief thing is a KILLER. For the first time in alittle over 3 years I have found myself what i would call Lonely. It has caused my body to shake and jerk ( just a figure of speech) but like you i’m having to search the surroundings, the heart, my soul and the things that led up to this. THANKS always for your guidance and giving us an example to follow. SENDING a big ole hug your way.

    1. I hate to hear that you are going through that! Keep searching and looking inward. Ask the Lord to guide you where you’re at, He will. He has good things for you my friend! ??

  4. “Being stuck in the past is like walking forward with your back facing the front. You will always miss out on what’s in front of you” – Beautiful!
    If you think you need to go back to clean some corners of your mind go ahead and then once you close the door let go…once you really let go, you will start to notice good things around now and in your past. Keep your focus there.
    Facing the sun helps you grow. 🙂

    1. Thank you so much, I love this! In my situation, letting go is the problem. I can let go of the hurt and the unforgiveness. It’s the person I lost that really keeps me stuck. I know I’ll never let go of him, but I need to figure out how to let go of the pain. Thanks for your comment ??

  5. Nice post ! I hope you get past all hurt and pain .As for me some things it seems have become pecome permanent ..Maybe more time needed.

    1. Thank you, Rita. I get it, I sometimes feel the same way about some things. There’s always hope for healing though. I pray you find yours ??

  6. I believe my hardest thing is letting go … my daughter is 22 and she still lives at home in a separate part but we are like friends now if that makes since but she has her life to do so I was at ease with still taking care of my youngest well 17 now graduating high school in a month very independent and I’m having a hard time with this so I need to stop living like I did in the past and learn to move forward on a new journey of not being the mother I have so adapted to .. everything is so different now and I’m a different person so I’m taking this new journey one day at a time .. or at least trying ? I understand about not letting people hurt you . I’m that person too . I’ve let go of ones that have hurt me .

    1. Yes, nothing more difficult in life than to let go of the things that we hold so dear. I struggle with that so much. Love how you said, taking this new journey one day at a time. That’s all we can do!

    2. I can totally relate windsofchange18. My boys are now 24 and 21. The older one moved out with his girlfriend last year and lives 4 hours from me. The younger one is still at home, but my role as a parent has definitely changed. I didn’t have much of a life outside of my kids. I centered everything on them, because that is what brought me so much joy. But it is hard to let go. I do have more time to spend with friends and I have been able to travel again. In time perhaps we’ll have grandchildren to spoil. Very far future, please.:)

            1. I joined meetup.com and found some great friends that had been through the same life experiences. One was a local women’s group and others were co-ed. I have made some great friends that way.

  7. You’re doing the right thing by revisiting incidents. As you look at them, ask yourself how they have reflected upon you and how they made you feel. If these feelings or beliefs about yourself do not align with the truth that you are a valuable and worth being, throw them out and replace the lies with truth. Then don’t let the false evaluations of self return. You’d be amazed at what a difference this makes.
    One doesn’t have to deal with a past that has already been dealt with. At that point the only thing left to do is let it go and enjoy life.
    There isn’t anything I haven’t gotten past once I realized it was there using this method.

    1. I love this so much! I will definitely be asking myself those questions as I move through these difficult situations. Thank you for sharing! ??

  8. Forgiveness is key, and don’t forget to forgive yourself. That’s just as important as forgiving others. You’re strong. I know you’ll get through this just fine, especially since you have the Lord on your side to help you, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. My heart goes out to you ??

  9. My biggest challenges over the years has been to come to terms with disappointments. A major breakthrough for me was the separation of people … from what they do. How could I still love somebody who did (whatever)? The revelation was that I could love anybody really, but I did not have to love what they do.
    This was critically important when my two kids were in their teens and causing some serious concerns. We later found out that knowing that we still loved them, despite the trouble they were creating, was a major power source when they decided to settle down to a more responsible life-style.
    Your circumstances would appear to be rather different to mine, but that separation of the person, from what they do, is probably equally valid for you as it was/is for me. All the best.

    1. What a great example! When using the example of your kids and how you can still love them apart from their actions is probably just what I needed to hear. I’m in the middle of that two teenager life as we speak! Thank you so much for taking the time to write that out for me. Truly helpful and I really appreciate it!

  10. Thank you, Joni! So true and resonates well with me as I continue to struggle with my past negative echoes, but I’m working on that. Have you heard of GIRL, WASH YOUR FACE by Rachel Hollis? This is a simple yet powerful book that I would recommend because it’s exactly what you’re talking about in this particular post. Blessings wherever you are. ~ Jo

  11. I did this a while ago, and maybe this will help you. At least for the people who have done you wrong… If you keep a journal, or perhaps a pad of paper for that matter. Write their names down, and what it was that they did to hurt you so badly. At the end of that, at the bottom of the page or pages… Write “Letting Go Of You Now.” and put it away. Fold up the paper and put it somewhere like a book, bible, where ever you see is the right place for it. As far a journal (if you write it in there, tape the pages shut.
    That chapter of all the pain is done, and you have let it go.
    I once had journals filled to capacity of all the hurt my father had caused me and our family when I was younger. When I got married we took them all camping and burned them all in the fire. It was a huge weight lifted off me back then.

    1. Wow, thank you so much. Brilliant idea! I really think I’m going to do this! I sometimes struggle over the blurred lines of forgiveness and letting someone go. Actually, I think I’m going to write about that! Thank you. I’m so blessed that we have connected. ??

  12. I am glad you shared these thoughts with us. These hurts and damages are baggage we carry with us until we decide to get rid of them. I believe we can ask for help from above in dealing with these problems inflicted upon each of us in some form. I know I have pains from a divorce and separation from my children as a result. I am making up for these damages and moving forward each day. Thank you again !!

  13. I have found letting go is quite the journey – especially if the traumatic event knocked you off of your feet. Its a process of turning the past troublesome events into memories with no attached emotion. Although at it seems inconceivable, it is possible. If you recognize the cycle of thoughts that evoke emotions from a place of conscious awareness in the present moment, you can over time with meditation and much practice let them go even before they fully materialize in your mind. Its like a muscle that gets stronger with exercise. At first you will only realize you were on the merry-go-round of problematic thought after the fact. That is ok and normal. With time you get closer and closer to ending the thought sooner and sooner. Eventually you become free. The thoughts will still try to arise however less frequently in future, but you will see them already before they fully arise and will revert to conscious awareness where they pass or disintegrate. Over time they loose their energy and no longer have a hold on you. If you continue to entertain the difficult thoughts and allow them to cycle in your mind, the particular thought stream is energized by the associated emotions and will continue to torment you. Its hard work but it does work. One key to all of this working out for you is to come to the realization that you are not your thoughts. Although you are experiencing these thoughts, you did not consciously decide to put them there. They come on their own because they were allowed to run their course and they evoked powerful emotions which the body-mind gets addicted to. Knowing triggers also helps. The more you watch your thoughts, the more you realize that some are practical, some pleasant and others can send you into darkness. Those that leave a smile on your face and the faces of others arise from the heart. The dark ones from our unattended minds are there to mess us up so that we listen more to the heart and learn to become aware enough not to attach ourselves to the nonsense of the mind. Be persistent, be aware and be free. Good luck.

    1. Wow. So much insight here. I’ll have to read it a couple of times! I truly appreciate you taking the time to offer your perspective and knowledge with me. I will truly try to take it to heart. Thank you again!

  14. I was fired in Nov, but at the time I was sent away to do a blood test and told not to come back (sober now for 6+ months).
    I really relate to #3-
    3) There are things and my people from my past that I have to say goodbye to.
    I’ve ran into a few of them since then and they all ask “where have you been?” no one knows I had been fired.
    I know these people are not dead and I can always pop back into the store and say hello but the idea of stepping into a world that I have been banished from after 4 years of service- it makes me depressed just thinking about it.
    So right now there are people who I cared about and considered friends who think I just up and left in Nov.
    😛

    1. First of all, let me say congratulations on your sobriety! You should be so proud of yourself! Please try to remember that although our actions have consequences, your history does not dictate your future or who you are. Keep moving forward and be good to yourself ?

  15. Thanks for following and sharing your story. I do not know anyone, including myself, who has not had these feelings/emotions. It’s a challenge. I wish you all the best with healing and ultimately moving on and taking back your personal power. Blessings and love, MG.

  16. Absolutely number one on my list of hurts and hardest things to get over was the end of the relationship with the father of my children and the court battles and custody issues that ensued. It has taken a long time and I’m still not sure how I feel. Luckily I have found a wonderful man and have been married for 2 years. I was single for sooo many years. Another quote for you:
    “Don’t look back – you’re not going that way”
    Mary Engelbreit

    1. Love the quote! Thanks for taking the time to share your experience and perspective. So glad you have found your next chapter.

  17. You’re so right with your insights about forgiveness – that is profound wisdom learning right there! It is a powerful, healing process to work through.Starting with forgiving yourself first is the most important step. You cannot forgive others if you have not first forgiven yourself. Bless you 🙂

Leave a Reply