To forgive or not to forgive?

Why is it so hard to forgive?

This troubles me as, until this last year, I have always forgiven easily. Or did I?  I question that because things that I thought I had forgiven have crept back up; this time more difficult to get past.

I’m far from perfect and I make mistakes every day. No one is perfect and I don’t expect that from people in my life. People will disappoint you and let you down. It’s human nature. I feel like I can typically let things go. But what about those things that caused a hurt so deep that you just can’t seem to move past? How do you deal with those things?

“I have always believed that forgiveness is a gift that you can give someone; one that doesn’t cost a thing. But it does cost. It costs dearly I have found.”

I used to forgive people for them. But, I have since found that it is actually more for me. I really can’t stand to hold grudges or have the feeling of unforgiveness in my heart. So, if I can’t do it for them, I should just go ahead and do it for me. I guess I’m just not there yet.

To be continued…

Published by Joni@GrieftoLife

Gotta love the 'About Me' sections of everything. I feel like I'm either in a one sided interview or trying to create a dating profile. "I like starry nights and long walks on the beach" Ha! All jokes aside, it is necessary to share your story. Especially in a place like this where you hope to reach people through your struggles. So here goes everything... Hi everyone 👋🏼 Grief is a journey, an ever changing and painful process. It can isolate you and make you feel more lonely than one could ever imagine. That is why I write and share my story. We need support. We need people that "get it." We need each other. I was married to the love of my life, just shy of 13 years. We went to school together, known him since elementary. He was my "boyfriend" in 5th grade. I even wrote "Joni Roberts" in my notebooks and cheered for him when he played basketball at recess 😂 We came back together when we went to the prom, as friends, our senior year in high school. That was in 1997. We started dating seriously in the summer of 1998. He asked me to be his wife in February of 1999. We said "I do" on October 2nd of the same year. We had our first child in October of 2000, our son. We had our daughter, 22 months later in August of 2002. In the time we were married, we went through more than most could go through in a lifetime. We never gave up on each other. In June of 2012, he and I were in a horrible car accident that claimed his life. In an instant, my entire world was shattered, leaving me a grieving single mother of two grieving children who are now teenagers. I'm walking day by day through life without the one that would be with me forever. I would have never imagined that this is where I would be in my life at 38 years old. But, I am doing everything I can to be strong, to raise our two children, to take this grief and use it to fuel the purpose for the rest of my days here on earth. ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME. Today: I am in the waiting room for my first neurologist appointment. It is in the same office as my surgeon from the accident. I'm sitting here remembering myself horribly hurt and in a wheelchair and I'm overwhelmed with feelings but mostly reflecting on how far I've come. I love and miss my best friend every single day. I'm positive that won't change until we are together again. I am choosing to try and live my life in a way that would honor him and make him proud. Living With Purpose.

4 thoughts on “To forgive or not to forgive?

  1. Joni,
    When I was doing wedding photography I always requested that I be allowed to give the Bride and Groom some advice right after they cut the cake. One piece of advice I gave them was to be very careful of their actions and words to each other especially if angry. I told them that one’s actions and words could be forgiven by the other, BUT, they would never ever be forgotten.
    I am sure that you were truly sincere when forgiving other’s actions or words but we aren’t divine and therefore those actions or words come back to hurt again just as bad as they hurt the first time when something forces them to the surface. We then have to make the conscious decision whether to forgive them again or not. I believe that is part of human nature.
    Be kind to yourself and remember that you are human. I love and admire you for all that you do to help others.
    Dan

  2. Joni,
    The best definition of forgiveness I’ve heard is “forgiveness is the acceptance of things you cannot change.”
    If we have issues with forgiveness, we usually have issues with how the situation unfolded and we will show them grace and forgiveness on the condition of what they could have done. That’s why it’s so hard. We have to make a decision on what happened instead of what could have happened and you know what, it’s okay. If you’re not ready to forgive, it’s okay. If you cannot come to grips with a situation, it’s okay. Take the time. Not sure if you can even show forgiveness? Take the time. You are neither obligated or required to grant such a thing period. Much less do so quickly or freely. It doesn’t make you bitter. It makes you wounded and in need of healing. So, take the time to recover and rebuild.
    You’re in no hurry and don’t feel like you have to be in one just to appease others. When the time is right, you’ll speak your peace.
    -Kevin

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