Purpose N' Pain

There was a time in my life as a young woman when I felt as though I had gone through more in my life than some ever would in the entirety of theirs. What gave me hope in that was the fact that I somehow, deep down in my heart, believed that God would place people in my path whom I would be able to help. I believed that as I walked through my struggles along this journey, I could be the person for others that I may not have had; that I wish I would’ve had as I was going through something. This hope gave me a sense of peace and it also gave me the strength to persevere and push forward. Hey, why not try to make positives out of the negatives?! Now, don’t get me wrong, that didn’t make the things I went through easy. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I have walked through some painful things in my life. I’m just saying that is what helped me make sense of things.
Interestingly enough, that was before the accident I was in that claimed the life of my husband and the Father of my two children. Yes, as much as I thought I had been through before, I had no idea what hell was to come. As strong as I thought I was before, I really didn’t have the first clue what strong was until having to navigate life as a single grieving Mom of two grieving children.
Over time, it became increasingly more difficult to hold onto the “roses and sunshine” attitude of believing that my struggles would be used to help others. As the days passed and I continued the attempt to acclimate to this new life that I didn’t choose, the very thought of that same attitude just made me angry. I had come to the place where I believed that pain must be my purpose in life.
I no longer felt peace in thinking that way. I no longer felt hope. I felt used. I felt cheated. I felt tired. I felt weak. I felt exhausted from trying to be strong. I felt alone!
The journey of navigating through the helplessness that I battled is for another time and another post. But, I will say that I finally got to the place where I was able to think about the way I used to view my struggles in life, in a new way.
This revelation helped me tremendously:

“My struggles aren’t my purpose but, I can take my struggles and give them purpose.”

Published by Joni@GrieftoLife

Gotta love the 'About Me' sections of everything. I feel like I'm either in a one sided interview or trying to create a dating profile. "I like starry nights and long walks on the beach" Ha! All jokes aside, it is necessary to share your story. Especially in a place like this where you hope to reach people through your struggles. So here goes everything... Hi everyone 👋🏼 Grief is a journey, an ever changing and painful process. It can isolate you and make you feel more lonely than one could ever imagine. That is why I write and share my story. We need support. We need people that "get it." We need each other. I was married to the love of my life, just shy of 13 years. We went to school together, known him since elementary. He was my "boyfriend" in 5th grade. I even wrote "Joni Roberts" in my notebooks and cheered for him when he played basketball at recess 😂 We came back together when we went to the prom, as friends, our senior year in high school. That was in 1997. We started dating seriously in the summer of 1998. He asked me to be his wife in February of 1999. We said "I do" on October 2nd of the same year. We had our first child in October of 2000, our son. We had our daughter, 22 months later in August of 2002. In the time we were married, we went through more than most could go through in a lifetime. We never gave up on each other. In June of 2012, he and I were in a horrible car accident that claimed his life. In an instant, my entire world was shattered, leaving me a grieving single mother of two grieving children who are now teenagers. I'm walking day by day through life without the one that would be with me forever. I would have never imagined that this is where I would be in my life at 38 years old. But, I am doing everything I can to be strong, to raise our two children, to take this grief and use it to fuel the purpose for the rest of my days here on earth. ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME. Today: I am in the waiting room for my first neurologist appointment. It is in the same office as my surgeon from the accident. I'm sitting here remembering myself horribly hurt and in a wheelchair and I'm overwhelmed with feelings but mostly reflecting on how far I've come. I love and miss my best friend every single day. I'm positive that won't change until we are together again. I am choosing to try and live my life in a way that would honor him and make him proud. Living With Purpose.

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