There was a time in my life as a young woman when I felt as though I had gone through more in my life than some ever would in the entirety of theirs. What gave me hope in that was the fact that I somehow, deep down in my heart, believed that God would place people in my path whom I would be able to help. I believed that as I walked through my struggles along this journey, I could be the person for others that I may not have had; that I wish I would’ve had as I was going through something. This hope gave me a sense of peace and it also gave me the strength to persevere and push forward. Hey, why not try to make positives out of the negatives?! Now, don’t get me wrong, that didn’t make the things I went through easy. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I have walked through some painful things in my life. I’m just saying that is what helped me make sense of things.
Interestingly enough, that was before the accident I was in that claimed the life of my husband and the Father of my two children. Yes, as much as I thought I had been through before, I had no idea what hell was to come. As strong as I thought I was before, I really didn’t have the first clue what strong was until having to navigate life as a single grieving Mom of two grieving children.
Over time, it became increasingly more difficult to hold onto the “roses and sunshine” attitude of believing that my struggles would be used to help others. As the days passed and I continued the attempt to acclimate to this new life that I didn’t choose, the very thought of that same attitude just made me angry. I had come to the place where I believed that pain must be my purpose in life.
I no longer felt peace in thinking that way. I no longer felt hope. I felt used. I felt cheated. I felt tired. I felt weak. I felt exhausted from trying to be strong. I felt alone!
The journey of navigating through the helplessness that I battled is for another time and another post. But, I will say that I finally got to the place where I was able to think about the way I used to view my struggles in life, in a new way.
This revelation helped me tremendously:
“My struggles aren’t my purpose but, I can take my struggles and give them purpose.”